I’m actually fairly negative most of the time. I’m a stress case; I can be a downright nervous wreck who overthinks and overanalyzes every aspect of a situation. I worry when I shouldn’t. I’m cautious when I want to be a little more impulsive. I’m scared when I want to be brave.
We all have our moments like this. I just think that it tends to happen to me a bit more often.
I’m on my 3rd week of my new job. It’s been pretty good so far but I definitely had a moment yesterday where it all felt like too much, too quickly. The next thing I knew, the anxiety overwhelmed me. I sat at my desk wondering how the hell I was going to get everything done. Work stress happens, I know this. I tried to calm myself and say, It’ll get done somehow. You’ll be okay.
Then I had a phone call last night with my mom where she revealed that her health condition was steadily getting worse. There was talk of doctor appointments, MRIs and possible surgery. And just like that, the anxiety and stress returned tenfold, rising up as a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. There’s only so many times I can tell myself (and be told) that it’s going to be okay. I reached a point last night where I wasn’t sure if that was true.
There’s only so much I can do. All I could do yesterday was go to bed, attempt to sleep the day away and try again in the morning. So I did. And today was a bit better, but only by so much. I still feel a bit weighed down by everything and had trouble staying focused with so much going on in my head. I tried to get as much work done as possible. I talked to my closest friends (who all, strangely enough, live in NYC) to keep me grounded, offer e-hugs and keep me laughing. Then I came home with a cheap bottle of wine from Trader Joe’s and watched somewhat terrible TV.
What else can I do about my stress issues except attempt to manage them as best as I can? So that’s what I’m doing.
Sometimes all you need a (real) hug. (Working on that.)
Sometimes you just need to have a good cry. (Definitely done that.)
Or maybe a nice glass of white wine and an evening to recollect yourself. (This was tonight and most likely tomorrow night as well.)
And then you keep going. I’m making plans for the weekend, which so far includes a birthday dinner, possible retail therapy and tackling some work on Sunday afternoon.
I’m learning not to give up. Instead, I’m trying to hold on and hope for the best. I’m trying to allow myself to be hopeful. It’s taking some time. But I’m getting there.